When did you miss me?
by gabycaldemeraz
Summary: One Shot. A look inside Leah's journal as she remembers Samuel asking her "When did you miss me?". Angst, sarcasm and a little humor, in other words pure Leah.


Hola! This is what happens after reading a chapter from a story that left me crying last Sunday and a very sad Paul POV. I wrote the poem first and the rest I built around… So, my dear beautiful jelly **Bean** this one's for you….

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If you can, look for the songs "Gravity" by Sara Bareilles , "Foolish games" by Jewel and "Break Even" by The Script. I listened to them over and over while writing this.

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Thank you to my Lovely Beta **Chellie**!

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**This is a look inside one of Leah's journal entries.**

**DISCLAIMER****: **I own the poem and that's it. I don't own anything else, seriously, NOT ONE THING. I don't own my car, I don't own my house, hell, apparently I don't even own the shirt I'm wearing right know, since my sister keeps nagging me with "_Remember to wash it because I'll need it on Wednesday_", I don't own either of the songs. And **I DEFINITELY DON'T OWN TWILIGHT**… I wish I owned Paul though... I curse the fates that didn't allow that to happen either. Oh well, a girl can only dream *_long Sigh_*.

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**Leah's Journal: When did you miss me?**

Remember when you use to go for trips on the weekend and Dad didn't let me go with you? I had to go and hang out with my friends all day just so I could focus on other things, rather than the fact that you weren't here. I'd "shop till I drop", go dancing in clubs and watch movies all Sunday with the girls. _Damn I miss those girls, now I'm stuck with these stupid boys and their stupid boy thoughts._ Remember how, whenever you came back, I'd run to you and crash myself into your arms and held you tight, _so tight_ you'd pretend you couldn't breathe? _I remember. Sometimes I wish I could hug you that way now. And by hug I mean choke, since with this new strength I have it could very well be a possibility. _ You would ask me what I'd been doing to keep myself busy and I would always say "well, first I missed you, then, I missed you and after that, I missed you." You'd always laugh sweetly and kissed my forehead. Every time I would finish telling you what I actually did during the weekend you'd say "Wow Lee, you were so busy having fun! When did you miss me?" I always answered with a cute smile and a kiss.

Do you remember that one time you were gone for a while? I didn't know it back then, but it was after you phased and after you imprinted on Emily. You came back to me though; you came back to me and never said a word. I was so scared thinking I'd done something wrong that I never asked you why, afraid of the answer you might give me. So I started rambling, talking like a nine year old and telling you everything that I had done and had been going on in the Reservation. _I was so innocent back then, so sweet, so in love. What an idiot I've become, I miss myself, I really do._ You stopped my ramblings by kissing me, it was strong and passionate and I enjoyed tasting your lips after you were gone for so long. It got the point across, you almost literally took my words away, and you said "whoa Lee! So many things! When did you miss me?" _Every moment of every day that you weren't here_. I kept silent, I'd missed you so much I couldn't even express myself , I couldn't even breath after you kissed me that way anyways. I regret not telling you. I now know it wouldn't have made a difference but back then it ate me up like crazy thinking that maybe if I'd told you, you wouldn't have left. _Damn imprinting, damn it to hell._

When it got dark, and after catching you up on everything, you gave me another kiss, it was so different than the first one. This one was sweet, soft and long, so heartfelt. Now that I think about it, your lips were salty and it just occurred to me that it was your tears, you were crying. I was so lost in you; I kept my eyes close and pressed my lips together to keep that beautiful kiss a little while longer. I didn't even notice the tears you probably wiped away. That beautiful kiss was your kiss goodbye.

Now I regret not telling you when and how much I missed you, simply because I would have wanted you to know, and because it would've literally been the last nice thing I'd say to you, the last time you would ever ask me** that** and the last time I would ever tell you that I loved you, that I _love_ you.

We've been so busy hunting leeches and training, It's exhausting. I come home and I just want to sleep. I want to shut myself from the world, from the constant scolding I get from the boys, hating me, telling me, screaming at me to stop thinking horrible things about you. _"Fuck Leah, shut up! Direct that hate towards the leeches or something." ; " Hey! Don't be such jerks guys! Come on Sis, try to think of something else, please."; "God DAMMIT Leah! Stop being so jaded; stop being such a fucking harpy! And don't even think of going to Emily's house, just go home already, go to sleep, for a whole month." _ I swear Paul can be such fucking douche bad when he wants to. Like I even want to go to her house, like I even want to see _them_ together. Assholes, all of them, except for my baby bro. Do they honestly think I like being there with them? Immature idiots, do they think I like feeling this way? That I enjoy it?

If they only knew I have to think that way. I have to, there's no other choice. _"Hi I'm Leah Clearwater; I'm a protector of the lands here in La Push. I fight Vampires. Yeah, I'm a werewolf and the only female at that". _Lik_e_ that's not hard enough, how am I supposed to pull it off if I'm constantly crying? If they knew my heart is breaking every time I see **him**,every time I see** them** together? Can somebody please just tell me how many pieces compose a heart? Because just when I think it can't shatter any more than it already has, it keeps surprising me. I need to be strong, at least pretend that I am. I rather have them hate me and think of me as a bitch, than to have them think of me as a "_weak girl, who can't even do her job well because she's always crying and whining."_ I don't want them to think I'm frail. I don't want **you** to think I can't get over you. I don't want you to **know** that you're **still **my everything.

Don't get me wrong, of course I'm angry; of course I hate both of them. But I hate them because I loved them. I hate them because I still love them. I hate them, because no matter how much I try not to, I miss them. I miss **you**. I MISS YOU SAM.

I don't have anything. I gave you my heart, so I don't have it anymore. Fate took away my freedom to do what I wanted with my life, now I'm stuck here, and even if it is an honor to be one of the few that carry the genes, it still hurts to know I won't be able to do, _to be_ anything else but this. My phasing took away my dad and with it, half of my mom's heart. Phasing also took away my brother's childhood. Imprinting, OH My God _IMPRINTING! _What a greedy selfish bitch Imprinting is, that one takes away everything, it takes away the imprinters will, to choose and to love_;_ but most of all it took away my happiness, my joy, my soul, it took my heart away from **your** hands and threw it off a cliff, shattering it. If I could find that bitch I would shred her to pieces, cook it and give it to all of you for dinner. JEEZ! Apparently it has also taken away my sanity and my dignity. DAMMIT!

FUCK! I hate this feeling; I hate not being in control! I hate the fact that I didn't tell you then how much I missed you and I can't tell you now. Well, I could but I won't. I'm not gonna be that girl, the one that tells you that she loves you and misses you in hopes that you'll come back to her. For one, I **know **you won't and two, I'm too proud. What? Don't judge me; at least I can be honest about it. Shit, that's probably the only thing I still have, my pride.

If you asked me now though… what am I saying... you never will. You don't want to know, you don't care anymore.

I'm so glad I've found this outlet though, writing has really been therapeutic. I have to scream and yell and act all tough with those jerks in my head all day, but I can always come back to my notebook, take my pen, write my feelings away and let myself go. I can write down how broken I feel, how lonely I know I am. I can let go of that pride and admit that I feel weak, that I feel as though I can't keep going on without at least seeing you from far away. I can put the anger aside and let sadness sink in, and allow the tears to flow freely. Let me tell you, nothing, NOTHING beats a good cry. I'm talking about the "hard ass-runny nose-heaving-chest contracting- making you gag" type of cries.

Few things have made me cry that way: My Dad's death, _I love you Daddy, and I miss you so very much;_ You, leaving me and then confessing you were with Emily; finding out you didn't even have a choice and had forgotten all about your love for me and now, well now I cry because everything reminds me of you, of us, of the way **I **used to be.

I miss the old me, cheerful, fun, full of life and **completely human**. I miss us, I miss being happy, I miss you. I miss having someone I could go to and tell them everything I feel. I miss being able to hug and joke around with my brother without him doubting if I'm being honest or just pretending to be happy and have him worrying that I'll break down. That in turn, makes me miss my brother living life to the fullest and not hurting for me. I miss being able to fall soundly asleep, without worrying about patrolling or having a huge headache for crying so much. I miss my long hair and I miss my nice curves, having an athletic body is cool but having some well placed curves was hot. Fuck, Emily still has her curves, and it pisses me off when you wrap your arms around her nice, curvy waist.

UGGGGGHHH! Motherffff…Fate! What the fuck? You took everything from me and gave it to her! I need your address so I can kick your ass too! What gives man? I never treated her wrong, is this some type of bullshit karmatic revenge? I'm pretty strong now; I can kick your puny ass Karma. What the fuck? The only mean thing I ever did to her was sticking gum in her hair when we were like, five. I was a kid; you can't hold that against me. Oh ok, that other time when I stole her Malibu Barbie, but come on! They were meant to be played with, not kept in their boxes. SO WHAT if I had one already, she needed a friend… FINE! I'll give you that one, but again I was a kid. No, NO! I will NOT bring that one up. NO, that event really embarrasses me. Uuugggh! Yes, I kissed Luis Stevens! Yes, I knew she really liked him, but so did I. No, she liked him first, BUT, she never found out, so she never really felt any pain out of it. AHA! Got you there, didn't I bitch. HA-HA! It doesn't count if they don't get hurt. It does? Who says? You punish the action regardless of whether the other person finds out or not? Where the fuck was I when they explained this?

Dammit Billy Black! It was always _Taha-Aki_ here, _Third -wife_ there, _descending from wolves_ and _imprinting _bullshit. Why the hell did you not explain anything about karma? Or, hmm, maybe you did? Shit, knowing me, you probably did the night I was too busy sucking face with Luis Stevens. I guess it serves me right then. WHAT! What the fuck am I saying? I seriously can't catch a break; I'm even turning against myself. This whole "letting it all out" shit is counterproductive. I'm driving myself insane now.

Oh well, add one more thing to this stupid list: I miss my mental sanity.

I miss your stability, you holding me in your arms, holding me together. I used to think you were pretty strong and I loved being in your arms, what I wouldn't give to have you hold me with those, even stronger arms you have now.

Ohh gosh…. Why do I miss you so much? Why can't you just disappear from my mind, from my heart? Why doesn't imprinting affect the third person too? Like, they should automatically forget they loved the imprinter too, that would be fair right? But nothing is fair, EVER…

Bleeeh! I don't want to do this anymore. I'm so tired both physically and emotionally. Even my handwriting is starting to look like a doodle, and not even a nice one either. I'm so tired of crying. Hahaha I've cried so much I'm practically brain dead, my head doesn't even hurt anymore, its on strike. The tears have soaked through so many pages some of my writings and poems look like they were actually watercolor piaintings. Hmm, I wonder if they would sell on e-bay. I should look that up later..

Uuuggghhhh! Frustration, my frenemy, we meet again, how many times have we come face to face? Go away, I don't wanna talk to you today…

SAMUEL!.. WHY! Why do I miss you so much!

You know what, fuck this. You wanna know how much I missed you, how I still miss you? How much it hurt and it hurts still to this day? I will let it rest, finally answering your question. That simple, silly question I ignored months ago but whose answer has changed. It's so much deeper now, and hurts so much more, time _doesn't _really heal all wounds and it definitely makes the heart grow fonder. Because now I see you in everything that **we're not**. If you were to asked me right now: _"Lee, when did you miss me?_ " I could give you nothing but this **simple**, **humble** answer, and only **wish** that it would satisfy you….

**I Miss you when** stars illuminate the sky,

When birds are seen flying high.

**I Miss you when** all hell is breaking loose,

When it gets hard for me to choose.

**I Miss you when** hiding from all these lies,

When tears fall from my eyes.

**I Miss you when** I hear our favorite song,

When I need to correct my wrongs.

**I Miss you when**forgiveness is at hand,

When I need courage to make a stand.

**I Miss you when**the world stops making sense,

When I could really use some friends.

**I Miss you when**I should feel cold,

When I need someone to hold.

**I Miss you when** the sun hits my face,

When there's a memory I need to erase.

**I Miss you when**I have this secret I need to keep,

When I feel like I've fallen in way too deep.

**I Miss you when**I need someone to talk to,

When I feel there's nothing I can do.

**I Miss you when**I look outside and rain is all I see,

When I feel, you really might need me.

**I Miss you when**I'm out, or even in my room,

When I know, I won't see you soon.

**I Miss you when** darkness becomes clear,

When I have new things to fear.

**I Miss you when** the waves hit the beach,

When I need your arms to reach.

**I Miss you ****when **I know happiness is not near,

**Truth be told I miss you when I open my eyes every morning and I realize you are not here.**

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Yes? No? Maybe?.. ok, well, tell me what you think ;)

"...**Cause when the heart breaks, no it don't break even", Break Even, The Script**

"...**These foolish games are tearing me apart, And your thoughtless words are breaking my heart. You're breaking my heart." , Foolish Games, Jewel.**

I wanted to get the best quote from this song but, THE ENTIRE SONG APPLIES… It's such a good song and pretty too. So pretty please check it out... in the mean while I'll stick to this one_**:**_

"...**But you're neither friend nor foe though I can't seem to let you go. The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down...", Gravity, Sarah Brailles**

**GabyCaldeMeraz**


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